Now Look Outside Gatsby, Beyond the Distant Sight of the City

I know you don’t think I should be driving, but it’s not like you would say anything to stop me. You’ve proved that to me these last couple weeks. I already know I’m in no fit condition… You’re awfully silent. Is it because I said I loved Tom? I would be lying if I said I didn’t see your face when I said those words. But you don’t understand, Gatsby for 5 years, I stood beside him, lay beneath him, had a child with him.

You can’t have a cat for five years and not grow to love it. Even if he’s off with other women, you can’t forget how someone made you feel, even if it was simply a fleeting moment. It just can’t be helped. He gave me so much, together we created our rose-coloured dream even with its dashes of inconsistencies. But as one says, every rose has its thorns.

You simply couldn’t be satisfied with the fact you have me now? No, of course not, even Tom can’t be satisfied with me, he goes off his sprees, and you want me to forget everything in the past 5 years. You ask too much and what do I get out of it? Love? Love is a funny thing… You don’t know how much heartbreak I’ve been through, all because of two men. Both disappearing and appearing when they please. They say I love too little but…really, I have loved too much.

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A pessimist I have become. Women are fools I say. I used to be a fool, but I’ve realised now that no one deserves my love. Now look outside Gatsby, beyond the distant sight of the city, through the translucent shield of the Valley of Ashes, it’s a waxing moon right now. One may say that I reflect it. I’m a loose woman at heart, you see. I’m no genius, but I’m no fool either. The reality of it all is, you can’t be a fool, not even a beautiful fool would last in this cruel world. No matter how much you want to believe that it’s built on a fairy’s wing. You think I can easily ignore Tom and his sprees, the talk behind my back, the expectations placed on me? I wish you would call out my faults and poor decisions as you saw them. Like Tom does. You acting like this, you have placed the both of us in danger, all because you don’t wish to offend me. Gatsby, that’s simply ridiculous. Why are you back Gatsby? You appear out of nowhere and continuously bend to my every whim. And I know I said I’m awfully glad to see you but… it’s all just overwhelming.

I can hardly deny, stepping into your mansion was like escaping reality and entering an absolute hazy, dazzling dream. It is unfortunate though that dreams- they end in such an abrupt manner, and you wake up. Eventually the novelty of wondering outside the realm of realism begins to fade. Why is this novelty still lingering in you? What were you hoping for by the end of this? Surely it wasn’t just to relive the past for a couple of hours. Was it a divorcee for a wife? Can you imagine the gossip that would go around? Chicago was already an earful. I won’t stand for it. A dream built on quicksand is at best wishful thinking and at worst, wilful self-delusion. Though it does make you wonder how it would’ve been if we had end up together… We met during a time when we were both a mess and still had so much to figure out. Had I known how much I would regret losing you… I tried to drunkenly change my mind on the wedding night that what I was doing was wrong. I have grown and changed from the girl you once knew. I learnt so much from the mistakes I made…with you. It’s no use wishing that I had made the mistakes with someone else, as now I am the wife of Tom. (LONG PAUSE) I used to have a cat you know? A gorgeous Persian cat that was the colour of white lace. The smart thing always knew when to come back home even when it’d dallied off to who knows where. Isn’t that smart? I miss it dearly, I do.