Men Who Go Through Abuse

Many men go through abuse, some physical but that is not often the case. Mental, emotional, and verbal abuse is more often and usually does not get treated or talked about because most men feel like they may be the only ones going through it, they feel like they are weak or not truly men for allowing it to happen. Some feel like they’re stupid because they didn’t see what was being done to them. Some feel nobody would believe them anyway, because how could a man allow this to happen, it probably is the woman getting abused, and some women who abuse men try to use that by playing the victim.

Fortunately, we now have more men speaking out about this both from experiences and to encourage men going through this. One notable celebrity who has been through this and has spoken about it is Johnny Depp. He fortunately had cameras and witnesses to back up his wife’s abuse on him.

I too have been through abuse and can say firsthand how detrimental it is on a person. It makes us question our manhood, our sanity, our self-esteem, and even our reason to live. I will show research and go over some examples of abuse, how it is presented from the abuser to the abused and share some stories as well as my own story.

First, with all the research I’ve done not only for this paper but for the last five years since I’ve been out of an abusive relationship, I have found that most if not all women involved that are abusive are also narcissistic.

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Narcissism is a mental disorder where the person is very self absorbed, masters of manipulation, and never think that they are wrong in anything they do. It is always somebody else’s fault, not theirs. They often cheat on their spouses and can convince them that it is their spouse’s fault.

They are seemingly without true emotion; they use emotion as a tool for manipulation. They will cry to make you feel bad, get angry to push you into a certain direction. They always see themselves as superior, but will find a “perfect guy” to constantly compare their spouses to, making them feel unattractive and unworthy, this allows them to make their spouse feel as if they are doing them a huge favor just by being with them, at the same time it makes the victim feel like they will never be able to do any better because no one would want them, basically enslaving them to the narcissist. They often do what is called ‘Gaslighting’, gaslighting is where they create an incident or memory that never happened, but they will insist that it did happen, making you question your own mind. They will be so insistent that this happened you will not be able to doubt it. Often these memories are of things the abused did wrong to “hurt” the abuser.

“If we look at statistics, we will read that there are more male narcissists than female, but surely statistics are only as reliable as the information provided. Mark Twain once said, “Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.” I am not sure that the statistics in relation to the male/female ratio of narcissistic personality disorder would be an accurate reflection. How many narcissists actually present themselves to a medical health professional in order to be diagnosed with this unappealing label? Narcissists tend not to blame themselves for their noxious behavior. They do not hold themselves accountable and shift blame onto others for the very things they do themselves.”(2)-McCrea, Ann.

“New photos and evidence were released to the public on Tuesday revealing actor Johnny Depp was abused by his ex-wife Amber Heard. The latest evidence came to light as Depp sued Heard for $50 million for defamation. The case has shown that Heard has in fact admitted to the abuse while being under oath. Heard had alleged that the Pirates of the Caribbean actor had physically abused her during their marriage. The couple separated in 2016, when she filed for divorce and accused him of physically abusing her, but now he has filed a lawsuit against her, in which he alleges she punched him in the face and chopped off his finger. The new pictures released show Depp’s face with a huge black bruise, and a haunting photo of his finger, half chopped off. Depp also submitted 87 surveillance camera videos to the court, 17 depositions of witnesses (which includes police officers), and the images.” (3)

I know a lot of men who have been through this often are the types of men who will do all they can to protect, love, encourage, and lift up the person they are with so when they end up with this type of abuser, they are not sure what to do and often because they want to believe the best of the person they love, don’t even consider that this person is manipulating them and abusing them until they feel like there’s no escape either because they have kids with them and it would tear the family apart or they believe what they have been told, nobody else will want them and they are lucky to even have this person.

One tactic the abuser will use is to purposely go after the victim’s areas where they have low self esteem or where they think their shortcomings are, then they will pick and pick and pick until they know the victim is about to blow because they cannot take anymore, then when they are around family, friends or in public, (where they have an audience) they will pick that last time to cause the victim to explode, then the abuser will act like the victim, saying-“See! He is a psycho! He abuses me!” I mean, after seeing this display, who would you believe? This gives the abuser more power over the victim. Another reason men will often feel trapped is with their children, since the abuser is a woman, she is more likely to keep the children from the father. A lot more courts are changing how they view cases now but, primarily the children are still placed with the mother and the father not only has to prove she is unfit but prove his is fit.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about this and possibly finally be believed and understood. I’m a big guy, 6’5″. She is 5’4″ so of course everyone thought, ‘How could she get the better of you?’ but she did in more ways than you could imagine. She played me big time. She got into my head and played with my feelings and my mind. I fell in love with her pretty quick. She told me of how she had been treated badly by her ex-boyfriends and I had no reason to doubt her. Those first few months were heaven. She said she loved me like no other and I thought I had met my soul mate. I never noticed at first that she didn’t have any friends.

I thought that she had been burned by people before and decided to be choosy with the people who she allowed into her life. I was flattered that I was one of the chosen few. About nine months down the line things started to change. I bought her a handbag. She didn’t seem to appreciate it at the time and tossed it aside. I was hurt and asked her if she didn’t like it. I was berated for buying her a color that she didn’t like and told I should have known that she didn’t like brown. She huffed and hardly spoke to me for the next few days, not answering my texts and calls. Four or five days later she called me and acted like nothing was wrong and the handbag was never seen or mentioned again. I was so happy that everything was fine between us again. That was my first experience of the silent treatment.

Of course, it happened again and again over the next seven years and as you said in one of your articles on the silent treatment, every one of those episodes lasted a little longer than the one before. I never knew what I had done to annoy her to bring on these periods of silence. I tried endlessly to talk to her, ask her what was wrong but was ignored until she saw fit to talk to me again. Throughout our years together she managed to cut me off from my friends, criticizing them and telling lies about them. Foolishly I had believed her. It was only when I started to read about narcissism that I realized the type of person I was dealing with. I was a shell of the man that I used to be, and I finally woke up to the fact that it was all down to her. I went to a therapist who confirmed what I had thought.

I knew that staying with her would destroy me so the last time she gave me the silent treatment I returned the favor. I am sure she expected me to try to contact her, to try to put things right again but I’d had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. It hurt so bad, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I’ll admit that as a mature man I was devastated. I read up on narcissism for months and months hoping to find something that would make me think I was wrong, that I should give her another chance to change her destructive behavior but deep down I knew that she would never change. She moved on to another man and she has done the same thing to him. I have PTSD and am still seeing my therapist but I’m getting there slowly but surely. I have never dated anyone since and to be honest, I don’t think I ever will. I am content on my own, no more walking on eggshells. People need to realize that men can be victims too.”(2) McCrea, Ann

This story brings up a very good point, often going through abuse like this for a long period of time causes victims to suffer from CPTSD. “A doctor may diagnose complex PTSD when a person has experienced trauma on an ongoing basis. Most frequently, this trauma involves long-term physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.”(4)-Leonard, Jayne

I have suffered from CPTSD after 14 years of abused, at first I thought I was stuck because we had children, then I figured nobody would believe me if I told them, after that I believed I truly was unlovable, too difficult, and that nobody would want me except for her. I contemplated suicide many times and even tried to kill myself once. But, after I failed, I realized I had to be there for my kids, they needed me, after all, who would be there for them? Her. I couldn’t allow that; she had already been abusive towards our daughter as it was.

She had me convinced that I was a bad husband and father, that my family was against me. (Another tactic they use, isolation.) That nobody else would ever believe me if I said anything, used my insecurities against me and would pick at me until I would go off on her in front of others, verifying that I was the unstable one, which is what she’d tell others. I later found out she had been cheating on me for years, all the while having huge fits if I even talked to another woman.

After all of this, when I finally broke it off, she took off with our son, keeping him from talking to me, but she would let him talk to my brother. I ended up getting sole custody of both of our children after fighting for 3 years, but not before she abused our son and let her boyfriend abuse him as well. I never got psychiatric help of any kind both because I didn’t have the money and I didn’t know if I would even be believed. I found help in a few Facebook groups where I connected with a few people including other men who had been through the same thing. That helped me a lot, but many men out there need to know they can get help, they are not alone, and they will be listened to and believed.

In conclusion, I hope to educate people to think about these things so men won’t feel so alone or like they cannot be helped. That we stop thinking because men are strong and tough, there is no way they can be hurt or go through trauma, especially from women. Through the research and stories, I hope that you feel like you can listen without judgement, offer help and guidance to those in need regardless of their sex or abilities. That this will make people more aware so they can look past the explosive action they may see and look deeper to see if there isn’t something malicious happening in the background. Mostly, I want the misconception that all abusers are men and that men too can be victims who just need help sometimes. We are not always OK, we struggle, suffer from mental anxieties especially from abuse and need someone to listen and offer help. Thank you.

References

1. Matthews,Dave CPRP ;15 Telltale Signs of Narcissistic Behavior (And How to Deal With It) https://www.lifehack.org/796353/narcissistic-behavior
2.  McCrea, Ann; Men Being Abused by Women http://narcissisticandemotionalabuse.co.uk/men-being-abused-by-women/
3.  https://www.geo.tv/latest/230905-johnny-depp-was-abused-by-ex-wife-amber-heard-new-evidence-shows
4. Leonard, Jayne; What to Know About Complex PTSD https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322886.php