My Fear of Social Interaction

Since childhood, I have tried my best to talk to people. The thought of just talking to someone just scared me. Sometimes I find it difficult to talk to friends and family. It’s hard to open up and talk about things that excite me. I’m just so afraid of what people will say or think about me if I do express my true self. I will not let people in during difficult times. This made me feel lonely and unwilling.

I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I know I crave social interaction, but whenever an opportunity arises, I crawl back into my shell and close it.

As a child, I lived in the village with my mother and brother. The nearest town we lived next to was quite far away. Due to the fact that I lived in the village, I had little contact with friends and mostly kept myself apart. I spent most of my early life alone in my room, watching TV or playing video games.

The only people I ever spoke or spoke to were my mother and the rest of the family. I never felt lonely at an early age, but I knew that something was missing.

This feeling became more common when I went to elementary and high school. Everyone thought I was weird because I never really spoke or knew how to interact. During recess, I sat alone and avoided any person I saw for fear that they might try to speak to me.

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I just watched the other kids play and laughed. I wondered why I can’t do what they do. It seemed so second nature to them, and they seemed so happy. I wanted to be like them, but I had no idea how.

Every time I tried to join, I was looked at with disgust and annoyance. Because of that, I just stopped trying altogether. I didn’t understand why it was so hard. It was only later that I realized this. These were my insecurities and fears. What if they think you’re weird? What if they think you are dumb? That’s what would come to my mind. This prevented me from communicating with people from the very beginning. I began to hate myself more and more. I wanted to be someone else and for these problems to disappear. Sometimes I was so sad that I cried until I fell asleep because I believed that I would never meet anyone with whom I could talk. I believed that I would be alone forever.

When I went to high school, things changed a bit. I had friends with whom I could talk, although in most cases it was a little superficial. I found things that were an outlet for me, such as cross country and bands. I was beginning to feel like I belonged somewhere. I did well in school, got very good grades and was in the top 10 for academic achievement many times. Despite all this progress and growth, I still felt lonely and devastated. My social skills improved slightly, but left a lot to be desired. I still kept myself apart and did not talk to those who were not my friends. My self-confidence was almost nonexistent and I felt worthless. Nothing I did seemed to change that. I needed something more.

One day in my sophomore year, I decided that I would try to talk to a girl with whom I had always been in love. Surprisingly, it all started very well. She was the only person who treated me the most, and I felt that I could open up to her. I really got close to her and I felt so comfortable with her. She tore down my walls that had been built for years. This connection that I felt with her seemed to me to be more than friendship. In the end, I plucked up the courage and asked her out on a date.

I was so sure she would say yes. But when I asked her, she immediately refused. She said that she didn’t think about me and didn’t want to lead me. All she wanted was friends. After that, she did not speak to me anymore. It emptied me and confirmed all my doubts about myself. Nobody will ever like me, and I will always feel alone. I left myself vulnerable and hurt. It hit me hard, so much so that I even thought about hurting myself. Immediately I returned to my old habits.

The next few years in high school went off relatively well. I have a lot of great memories with friends and teammates. I still felt devastated, but I was pretending and trying to be happy. It was nice to have people close to me with whom I could talk a little. When graduation day came, it was not a day of happiness and pride in graduating from high school like many others. That was the day I realized that I would have to start all over again.

At the beginning, I was delighted to go to college. It was a completely new chapter, a blank slate. I could reinvent myself as a confident, outgoing and likeable person. Finally, I would feel like I really belong to something. All I could think about was how many new people I would meet and who I would talk to. On the first day, I had so much confidence. I was going to make a conscious effort to change. Unfortunately, it didn’t go well. I immediately reverted to my old habits, abandoning plans to become the person I was happy with. All I did in the first semester was go to class, eat, sit in my room, sleep and repeat. I have not contacted anyone. Nothing changed.

Getting over it seems overwhelming, but I know it’s possible. It takes a conscious effort to overcome this fear. To overcome this, I promised to take small steps every day. I will step out of my comfort zone every time the opportunity presents itself. I will stop living in my head and start living my life. Even though I avoid human relationships, I know that I need them to feel whole. I may feel that loneliness is safe, but for me it is an unhealthy lifestyle. I know this solution won’t fix the problem right away. I will fight, be embarrassed, or even regret my attempts, but every bit is worth it. I realized that in order to become better at communication, you need to do this repeatedly. It comes with practice, just like with anything.

I know I have a problem and I want to change. This time, I feel like I can finally take real steps towards becoming who I want to be. My fear of social interaction has always been a hindrance to my ability to connect with people. It drove me into dark places where I no longer want to return. I hope that in the future I will overcome this and look back on how far I have come. Whenever there is an opportunity to speak to someone, I will always remember what my cross-coach told us at the beginning of each season: “Get used to the discomfort”. This is exactly what I will live on until this fear becomes a distant memory.