Adoptive Gay Father Families

David and Joey met one another 29 years ago at Clemson University back in 1989, and decided to look into adoption 8 years later in the year 1997. It was in this year, that the pair sat down at the dinner table one night and finally said “yes” to beginning the process of adoption. They looked into their many options, mainly deciding between a domestic or international adoption, and came to their final decision of a domestic adoption.

They both understood that there are tens of thousands of children in the United States that need a loving and nurturing home, and they knew that they would not only provide this environment for their future child, but also do everything in their power to give this child a beautiful life.

According to the 1990 Census, “It is estimated that there are between 1.2 and 3 million people living together in same-gender relationships in the United States…and 14% of partnered gay men reporting children in their household”(Tye 92). As clearly shown by the data, same-sex couples raising a child is not an uncommon entity, however, it does come with many challenges that David and Joey prepared themselves to face.

When David and Joey first began their adoption process, they were quite nervous. David expressed to me that, “When we began the process, which is both costly and time-consuming, we were anxious and afraid of being turned down”. Unfortunately, this is a harsh reality for many same-sex couples seeking to adopt a child. In the article, Experiences of Children With Gay Fathers, author Ellen C.

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Perrin makes it apparent that, “…Parenthood for gay men is not without challenges. For example, they may encounter criticism and/or suspicion about their motive to adopt; their families may be considered deficient because of the absence of a female parent; and/or they may face confusion and criticism from their gay friends for choosing to become parents”(Perrin 1305).

It is important to note that at the turn of the century, same-sex couple adoption became more widely accepted and less stigmatized. However, during the time of their decision to adopt, and while in the process, the pair felt as if there were even more odds stacked against them than that of a heterosexual couple. But still, they persisted on, with David telling me that, “My husband and I do not take any nonsense from anybody, so we are pretty good at blocking out the negative things and focusing on the positive”.

They instead focused all of their energy on their sweet baby girl, who they brought home on December 14th, 1997, and celebrated her 1st birthday just two days later as a family. While raising their daughter, David and Joey began to run into certain challenges where their same-sex relationship seemed to create an issue for others. One encounter specifically stood out to David, as he shared that story with me, “On her first day of 1st grade, all the parents stood outside waiting with their children before the bell rang.

When it did ring, we both kissed her goodbye, and while doing so, one little boy who was looking at us remarked that having two Dads is gross. This was followed by a group of parents giving us glaring looks, and even going as far as approaching my daughter’s teacher and telling her that our behavior was making both them and their children uncomfortable. Thankfully, the teacher put them right in their place, but it did not take away the pain it caused my husband and me, and to our daughter, who understood what was going on all along”.

This type of discrimination is unfortunately common for both children of same-sex parents, and the parents themselves. In his article, A Stigma Identification Framework for Family Nurses Working With Parents Who Are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgendered and Their Families, author Scott Weber provides insight on this topic by stating, “Same-sex couples may, therefore, experience even more stigma and discrimination than do single gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender individuals who are parenting simply because couples are living openly committed and visible relationships”(Weber 381).

The fact that some families are comprised of parents who are of the same sex, is enough to make them more susceptible to being discriminated against. David admitted that at times, it is tough to deal with these situations, but he understands that some people are not as accepting as others. He also added that, “It is hard to navigate those hard times, but we use them as learning experiences. It has helped us to build a thick skin as well”.

When the conversation turned in the direction of parenting techniques, David was quick to explain that, “I wouldn’t say we did anything  extreme as far as our parenting technique that could be considered drastically different than any other parenting style… While we raised her, we wanted her to see that this world is full of so many different people, and one day has an appreciation for everyone”. David and Joey did everything in their power to raise their daughter to the best of their ability, just like any parents would. This idea should be easily applied to all parents, no matter their sexual orientation or relationship.

As author Marcus C. Tye explains in his article, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Parents Special Considerations for the Custody and Adoption Evaluator, “Even though decades of research has firmly shown that children raised by heterosexual parents are no better adjusted than children raised by gay or lesbian parents, discrimination continues in most states, and attitudes that some would describe as frankly prejudiced continue to find publication in respected psychological journals”(Tye 92). It is proven that no child is worse off just because they were raised by a same-sex couple. Even with these findings, discrimination against families like David and Joey’s still exists today. This is quite a shame, as no same-sex couple should have to experience these uncomfortable circumstances and predispositions.

As David put it, “It’s beyond disrespectful to feel so left-out and judged, but that’s just how some people are. It’s such a shame really, they are missing out on the opportunity to learn about and meet people that are different than them”. David and Joey believe that they have done everything in their power in providing their daughter with a wonderful childhood. Their parenting techniques, no different or drastic from any other style, were not only successful, but exceptional. This in itself should be applauded, and not be overshadowed just because they are a same-sex couple.

It is important to note that both David and Joey are so incredibly proud to call their daughter their own. David exclaimed that, “I think overall, we are most proud of the woman she has become today. She is the most understanding, accepting, and loving young woman I have ever seen. My husband and I take great pride in how well-rounded of a person she has become”. Raising a child successfully is an exceptionally difficult task, but it is even more difficult of a feat when the circumstances are stacked against you.

In author Ellen C. Perrin’s piece, Experiences of Children With Gay Fathers, she included the results of her findings of male same-sex parenting techniques and child wellbeing, “Despite some experiences of stigma, our respondents reported similar parenting activities and indications of their child(ren)’s well-being compared with national samples. Fathers in both states reported that their families of origin, heterosexual friends, coworkers, and child care helpers provided good levels of support. The support from these social groups can provide a contextual ring that has gay fathers feeling connected to others in their social community as they grapple with the day-to-day demands of fatherhood”(Perrin 1312).

This family has strength together. It is apparent in the way they talk, and how they carry themselves. It is inspiring to see just how much David and Joey love and carry for both one another, and especially their daughter.Despite the underlying stigma, this family embraces their individuality and uniqueness and uses it to prove that their family is just like anyone else’s, if not better.

Through this experience, I have learned that no matter who you are, family is family. This family has always been close to my heart, as I have known them for much of my life. I have learned about the forms of discrimination towards same-sex families, and how research has shown that in fact, same-sex families are just like any other type of family, and are just as successful if not even more successful in raising happy children. I feel even more connected to this family and have even more respect for them after becoming educated on the hardships and stigmas that they face on a day-to-day basis.

I feel strongly that gender, adoption, or sexual preference should not affect how a family is perceived in the public eye, or by any individual. Today as a society, we have made great strides towards becoming more accepting of same-sex families, but we still have much to do in order to eliminate stigma and discrimination. I have been changed as a result of this experience; now having learned just how similar this family is to my own. It is crucial to understand that every family is unique, and that is what makes each and everyone so beautiful. No matter who you love, no matter how you choose or choose not to expand your family, every family is in the family; and that is something that should never be questioned.