The Feeling of Completion Is What It Feels Like

When trying to figure out the world around us and why everything happened the way it did, we try to figure out if there’s a reason why? A quote that is put up on my wall that I do try to live by “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

” by Marilyn Monroe which describe as if there’s no guideline on how to lead to a perfect life and you just have to take the risk on this life and live with the unexpected outcomes. In class, Professor Barry assigned us a book to read, “Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I have Loved” by Kate Bowler which is based on a true event that was published on February 6th, 2018 and the publisher was Random House Publishing Group.

When living your everyday life and you are impacted by things that can changed your life forever which just so happens to be one of my experience. This story that Katie Bowler shares about her journey battling incurable stage IV colon cancer really touched me so deep that I wish I read this book prior my grandmother death of cancer in April 2017. In late September 2016, my family doctor shared the news about her cancer diagnosis of stage IV cancer but which I didn’t find out until that long weekend break in October with given the same news that my uncle had committed suicide earlier; a form of cancer that is incurable and spread quickly like a wildfire before my eyes.

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We never got around to talk about this which can remembered the thoughts and feelings that I had that I felt the numbness and I also didn’t understand how bad it was since she looked fine to me. Before I knew what was happening, my grandmother wanted me to brush her hair and all, and the next thing I knew some of the hair was falling out and I was confused why it did since she had a lot of hair. One thing that really hit me hard, when she asked if I thought she looked beautiful and I responded, yes, of course! She was struggling with something that she felt beautiful with and I didn’t realized that she had been going to chemotherapy and I was clueless. This has really given me the deeper insight and how I wish I knew what was going through her head and by being there.

Katie has wrote a short memoir about when she got the news of being diagnosed with cancer and how it really affected the relationship around her including family and friends, how to have this conversation with her son about death and how she intake her parenting role as well, along with how she cope and most importantly what are things that no one should say to someone with terminal cancer. Katie, herself is an upbringing Christian that she has a strong belief that God plays role in whether people deserve the good or the bad stuff.

When people found out about her cancer, they would say things like, “God has a better plan!,” “This is a test and it will makes you stronger!,” or “At least you have your son. At least you’ve had an amazing marriage.” (Bowler, xvi) which I disagree that people should not say it, because you cannot determined all the stuff that they already have and then make someone figure out what they had done wrong. After so many visits with the doctor, they seem cannot figure out what was wrong and that how it went for my grandmother with every bunch of doctor and tests and to result in not finding anything until they found out she had stage IV cancer. It was almost similar reactions that Katie has where my grandmother was overwhelmed with mixed emotions and was ‘trying’ be optimistics and seeking for all the support she can get like Katie.

When Kate was diagnosed with cancer, she at the same time suffers from infertility and a miscarriage which just feels like she was losing everything that she had hoped for. After Kate’s surgery, she was preparing for her death and being surrounded by her family and friends, but she was also trying to give them love and her wishes for them while she was trying to heal from it. Which in my experience, my grandmother never talked about her beating cancer and I can see the fear and worried in her eyes that it feels so numb to even speak about it. My grandmother was like Kate who was trying to live between life and death especially no cure and how its going to go after she pass on. Often, I had thought about what it’d be like diagnosing with cancer along with treatments that patients has to go through, I would not be sure how I would want to live my life and go about it. There were times where I wrote a letter to some people in case something happened to me and that it’d give them a sense of closure. It does take a lot of strength for people with any incurable disease to try enjoy life and battle at the same time.

What catches my attention that I found it fascinating on how people cope with many different type of challenges and I have a lot of questions and wonders why people turn into that direction and how do they cope. Like Kate, she find faiths in God, herself, family, and friend. and for people who worship to God in believing that God makes decisions and determined plans for individuals who worship him. My grandmother was a catholic but she didn’t really practice or pray to God from what I have known, but she has her family that she turns into for support, doctors who assured her, and so many things that she had around her.

For things that happened to people can be based on genetic, how they maintain their wellbeing, and all but I don’t always believe that people go through this because of punishment but because life is full of risks and mysteries.I am non-believer myself but I do think there’s something with higher power within the Universe and I don’t always believe things happen for a reason but it’s happen based on fate. My best motto is to trust my journey because it’s filled with unknowns adventures.

In chapter 5 (Surrender) on page 72 that I agree with Kate when she stated, “But mostly I see people who refuse to allow their loved ones to grow weary.” which I do see very much often when I heard stories from family, strangers, and friends. When a person is dying, when someone is selfish for somewhat unselfish reason due to the dying person as last resort for income for taking care of them, not have any job, not sure how they will cope with loss, need more time, and in denial that the person is dying that will impact the undying person’s life. I cannot emphasize this enough that some people can only battle for so long where in the end, it’ll hurt both side, the living and close to dying individuals. In my experience, I had seen family fighting over about the wills aftermath and it was chaos.