I was 10 foot tall, bulletproof, nothing could break me. Or so I thought 4 years, 3 months and 28 days ago I left my post. I came back to a town almost identical to how I had abandoned it. All its inhabitants lives, unchanged. not mine. Upon my return, I was greeted by many hugs and kisses from those whod missed me. At first, I was surprised they even recognized me. To me, I was no longer they person they knew. 6 years, 8 months and 4 days ago I was still a baby, still living in the protection of a womb, owned by my parents, 2 stories high, blue walls and dirty brown carpet.
seems so foreign.
There are a million moments in a persons existence in which life grabs them by the throat and forces them to face facts. 6 years, 8 months and 4 days ago, life did it to me for the first time, of many. The friends in which I entered with, I didnt leave with.
I fear they will be the first and last friends Im capable of making. I cant go home anymore. The blue walls remind me of my uniform, the dirty brown carpet reminds me of the blood that wouldnt wash off of it. My family act like nothing has changed. And they probably believe it. I dont want to talk to anyone about how Im feeling, and no one wants to ask. Parents dont want to believe their little baby is broken inside.
For now, Im a foreigner in my own home, feeling more alone than ever. at least, whilst away, I wasnt pretending to be okay. Everyone felt the same. They knew my pain. (slowly building intensity) I was lied to. Myself and every person I met whilst away. Honour, adventure, a chance to see the world, to finally escape these towns wed called home. It was promised but they never thought to mention the side-effects. (pace becoming faster and tone more strained) Sleepless nights, Nightmares – that make you glad for the sleepless nights, hypervigilance, and worst of all. The distance. Both physically and mentally that I feel from everyone.
Bomb dropped can be 200 lives gone instantly but we didnt know those people. Those people didnt know us. They werent even our enemies. They were just people. (pause)Theyre not any more. (quieter but teary) I was once 10 foot tall, bulletproof, nothing could break me. Now. (through gritted teeth. Eyes closed) I cant look at myself. I make me sick (calm) I am not and never will be the person I was 6 years, 8 months and 4 days ago. That was a whole different person. (progressively louder) I dont want to do this anymore.
I dont want the nightmares I dont want the pity smiles I dont want to have to drink all night and all day, just so I dont feel anything anymore. (pause) I feel as though there are some solutions. (pause) To stop burdening my friends and family. (pause) The best thing for everyone. And its really quite simple. (pause) (look at audience in mirror) Im in control So (pause) (turn around) Ill just make it stop. (hold hand like gun) (look at gun then up at audience) (move gun under your chin) (smile) And I just wont be here anymore (Throw head back and arms back down)