It has been a long time now that I have been waiting

It has been a long time now that I have been waiting for you, but nothing. No phone calls, no news, no letters…. And all you have done is not come back. Have I done something to you that has made you not ever want to come back anymore? I really can’t think of anything and can’t get over it. It is not easy to let you go. You have made part of my life for so long that I am not understanding what is going on.

So I have decided to do what I know best, to write to you and spit out everything I am feeling.

I must start by saying that it is not easy to state the change you have caused in me. No words will ever be enough to describe the pain, anger, tension, frustration, and depression that I am enduring. Your loss is the real reason as to why I am experiencing all of these unwanted sensations.

It seems I have lost everything I had. My children’s father and my other half. The person who I chose to mary, to be my husband. All I would like to be blessed with in my life is happiness and pleasure, but I am currently feeling like a small boat stranded in the middle of the ocean. It seems that you are just their, right there mocking, laughing, and watching me and not hesitating to do anything. Why are you doing this? Why have you promised to come back knowing that you wouldn’t?

Looking back, I have always tried to be someone to you who you haven’t tried being to me.

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The real difference between me and you is that my love is unwavering. It is a love that comes from deep inside my soul whilst yours is superficial. I have been here thinking and pondering about everything we have gone through and must say that if I am alive now, then I was certainly dead. All this time, you have been unbothered and untouched. You didn’t just tow me an inch, nor leave me to set my small bald eye skyward again, all you did was intentionally leave me in pain, by fracturing my heart and smashing it into pieces. You have left me here with 2 children to raise without hope, of course, of apprehending blueness or stars and instead all I see is never ending darkness.

I have tried to maintain myself strong, but it has been very challenging. All this time, my heart has been lacking warmth, lacking strength and sadly my cheeks of basalt have turned into tears of pure pain and insecurity that you have put me through. It will take months to recover, maybe years, or maybe never. I don’t really know. However, what I do know, is that all this time I have been sleeping like a bent finger as you have stolen my smile, my desire to live and have driven me to be scared of looking up and facing reality.

I still have a life to live, so things cannot continue like this. It is time to move on… All this time, I have laid here dense and emotionless waiting for you, was because I hoped you would come back just like you promised you would, however, I have been proven wrong. You might have broken me into pieces and you may have very well destroyed part of who I used to be but finally, I have begun to recover and heal. Undoubtedly it has been very hard, but my body is ready again to live, my spirit to ascend, and my heart to love. Even though I resemble nothing to you, you have meant a lot to me. Frieda and Nicholas are giving me the light you never gave. Giving me some light at the end of the tunnel to move on and live. Even though I have known you for so long, it is hard to accept that you are not the same person anymore. Very sad indeed. But what can I do? You have changed, and I will not bother waiting anymore.

Unfortunately, all of this love and affection that I have created for you was just an illusion. You have not loved me, neither intended to love me the way I loved and cared for you. So, it is from today onwards that I promise not to ever use my tears against you in any circumstances.