I think it is safe to say that every person in the world will struggle in their life time with issues such as their body image, relationships, careers, their health or who they are as an individual. For me the journey took me a long time – four years and sometimes I still find my self walking along the same path.
I wish we all came in to this world knowing what we were going to do and turn out like and who we are, but we dont. Sadly, we need to go through this long, hard, dark, depressing and tortuous journey with multiple curve balls being thrown at us nearly every day, but the only thing to do is to live with them. Well thats what I did as I wasnt finished this journey and wasnt ready to accept who I was or what I am. The biggest curve ball that I was faced with in my journey unsurprisingly was my sexuality at the difficult age of twelve. One day me and my friends where watching TV and my friends started to point out the actresses that they thought were attractive. I then began to think why wasnt I looking at the actresses like that? Why dont I look at any girl like that? Then it hit me. My throat was getting tighter by the minute, getting harder to breath with each breath my heart was bursting out of my chest. My brain was numb until the answer surfaced: Am I gay? From there thats when everything changed for me.
I just didnt fit the stereotypes of gay men. Society made me believe the stereotypical gay man, which was portrayed in movies and social media. I was obsessed with football all throughout primary school. GAY MEN ARE ALL FEMININE, LOVE CLOTHES AND WANT TO BE APART OF THE GALS. This is what I constantly was told. Dont even get me started on the term Yass QUEEN. It’s unbelievably insensitive to us as everyone thinks that we are bitchy, two faced people and want to be one of the gals. Well guess what? Not all of us do. Also, something which I hate is that we are supposed to be fashion forward shopping lovers. I hate shopping. Id also had crushes on girls. So, my insight at the time was a shock as it was opposed with who I thought I was. I fought it relentlessly. For that moment on, I had to keep a secret. A secret that would take everything from me: my happiness, freedom and enjoying life.
My confidence chipped away bit by bit. I convinced myself a girl was attractive but deep down I knew it was not true. So, I thought I could make my self not gay and started to search it online. I convinced myself if I went to church, I would be straight in no time. But this was obviously not true. I went for a month and it made me bit by bit more depressed as God didnt even love me anymore and if the person who created life and offers forgiveness didnt love me what chance did, I have with my own family? So, I decided to just ignore the feeling I had for the same sex and get on with my life.
Sadly, this wasnt easy even though I tried really hard, I couldnt switch off these feelings that I had. From then my mind set changed that if I distanced my self from my family it would hurt less when they found out and they would stop loving me. I did everything I could to stop them from finding out.
Fast forward four years.
Im still trying to keep the same boring secret that am GAY but hopefully not for long!
Its like am under water and cant breathe. My head is about to explode, no way to escape and no one is throwing me a life jacket. Me and my friends wanted to do something, so they suggested we go to the Pride Parade. This was a coincidence, as they had no knowledge at the time I was gay.
I agreed to go and that night we made plans to go to Pride. I thought to myself: this is it, this is when you are going to come out. Tell everyone who you really are. Be free of the secret that was killing you, I would finally be able to breathe again, and see who my true friends were. I started planning what I was going to do/ say to the people who Ive known for most of my life, the people I grew up with.
That night I began to really think about the situation that I was faced with, how everyone would react. My eyes start to fill with water as I visioned myself coming out to them and my body just froze all over. I felt numb, emotionless. Inside the tears were still steaming down my face, soaking the floor drop by drop when all the dreadful, horrifying thoughts crossed my mind. What if they dont accept me for who I am? What if they hate me? What if all the things that flashed before me was true? What would I do then?
I was sitting in bed examining the ceiling wanting the alarm to go off. BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!
I then attempt to get ready; looking in the mirror drained of emotion and burned out. Nothing else had crossed my mind. I stumbled down stairs to get some breakfast but couldnt eat as my stomach was in knots. I couldnt keep anything down, I was too stressed about what the day was going to go like as this was the day. I would come out of the so-called closet. The day that I would say to the full world, look at me or the day my family disowns me. I walked to the car with a fake smile on my face acting like everything was normal. I met up with my friends, we were all dressed in rainbow colours sparkling like a disco ball with all the glitter we had on trying to find our way to the Pride Parade. One hour and a half and walking what felt like forever we finally got there. It was like walking into a whole new world. It was like the full of Glasgow in one place. Colour exploding everywhere, there wasnt a dull spot in slight.